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by @greyrockin_grkn

The Grey Rock Theory
It is well documented that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to remove them from your life, going No Contact (avoiding all communications), however this is not always possible. The narcissist may be a boss like mine, a family member or you may have children with a narcissistic ex-partner who cannot easily be removed. If this is you, then ‘GreyRocKiN’ is likely to be a good option to consider.

When I finally identified that my boss was a narcissist and discovered the Grey Rock Theory it was a profound 'light-bulb' moment where my situation and outlook changed overnight. For the first time in a long time I had clarity of vision and an understanding that the mental abuse I was suffering through my boss's actions wasn’t my fault, I was good at my job, I was good enough and I was valued by my colleagues (see my Personal Account below).

So what is the Grey Rock Theory? – it is the mental approach that you consciously adopt when you are in the presence of or interacting with a narcissist, unbeknown to them. In essence, you take on the characteristics of a grey rock, dull, boring and the type of rock that wouldn’t catch your eye on a beach. Even if you tripped on the rock, it would not hold your attention and you would carry on walking. Once the narcissist can no longer pull your strings to gain an emotional response from you which feeds their addiction, they become bored, disinterested and look elsewhere for a new source of drama – they do not want Grey Rocks in their lives.

To understand why the Grey Rock Theory works we need to touch base on the narcissists deep routed addiction to drama and gaining an emotional response from YOU! We can think of the narcissist as a vampire, one who feeds on your emotional responses to satisfy their thirst for drama. They are the leading star in their own horror movie and need to create drama from you to feed their addiction. Without this, the narcissist becomes bored, disinterested and will seek alternate victims to feed off. As the narcissist is easily bored, they need constant stimulation and drama is the remedy to their boredom which gives them power. They create the drama to experience the power of manipulating your emotions and the more emotional your response the more addicted they become, so when you starve the narcissist of an emotional response, you stop feeding their addiction and the narcissist loses interest and moves on. The trick is staying the course, believing in yourself and having unwavering faith in the process.

To recap, by ‘GreyRocKiN’ you stop the narcissist achieving their goal which is your emotional reaction to their words and behaviours and especially your facial expression. Stay calm, recognise that you can choose not to react and starve their addiction.

For interest and information the Grey Rock Theory originated from a blogger named Skylar who was in a long term relationship with a psychopath. It is noted that psychopaths and narcissists share their thirst to elicit an emotional response from their victims and I would highly recommend you digesting this article to further understand narcissistic behaviour and the ‘GreyRocKiN’ process

If you prefer audio/ visual, I also highly recommend Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licenced clinical psychologist, who gives an excellent account of the Grey Rock Theory and what to expect from the narcissist once you practice ‘GreyRocKiN’
 Once you have read this piece, Skylar's blog, and watched this YouTube video you will have a thorough understanding of the approach and be well on your way to dramatically improving your situation.

Personal Account
I want so share my personal experience of narcissistic abuse, my use of ‘GreyRocKiN’ and how it moved me from a position of powerlessness and low self-esteem to mastery of self and recovery.

I am over 40, have children, a demanding profession and would describe myself as being an empathetic person with a degree of emotional intelligence and self-awareness.

When I was appointed in my job I was interviewed by two men, Jake and Peter, one of which would become my boss. An interesting point to note is that had I chosen my new boss following the interview, it would have been Jake, however I was assigned to work for Peter and did so comfortably for a few years. For political reasons Peter was eventually moved out of role and Jake became my new boss. Jake was in his late 40’s and my first impression of him was that he was highly polished, very professional and we shared similar views on company culture and values.

Over the following few years I found myself running the same projects with the same team however I had completely lost my enjoyment of the job, I was in constant conflict with Jake despite my desire and effort to please him and my self-confidence inside and outside of work was at an all-time low. I would constantly think it was my fault and it was something I was not doing right which detrimentally affected all aspects of my work and personal life. I needed a way out of this situation.

The turning point came when it was suggested to me that Jake was indeed a narcissist and I discovered the Grey Rock Theory, which led me on a self-healing journey to where I am today. Now for me, labelling Jake a narcissist and discovering the Grey Rock Theory was a profound light switch moment where my situation and outlook changed overnight. For the first time I had clarity of vision and an understanding that the conflict and drama wasn’t my fault. I was good at my job, I was valued by my colleagues and the wider business. So what did I do next:

* I researched the characteristics and behaviours of a narcissist and established my boundaries with Jake.

* I recognised deeply that the job I was happy in hadn’t changed, only my boss was new and I was doing the same things as before.

* I started ‘GreyRocKiN’; I embodied a grey rock when interacting with Jake and became dull to him. I gave the minimal, most unemotional response possible both verbal and physical, despite Jakes endeavours to elicit an emotional response from me.

* I minimised contact by being less proactive with Jake.

* I stopped seeking Jakes praise and approval, recognising that as a narcissist Jake would never provide it (and I no longer needed it).

* I stopped doubting my actions and started to believe in myself again, slowly re-building my self-confidence, knowing that Jake was projecting his own insecurities and deep routed issues onto me which was not my cross to bear.

One of the smallest but most profound and effective things I did was to actually pick up a small, unassuming Rock and put it in my pocket. This Rock, which I call my Totem anchored me to the present moment and the Grey Rock Theory during all of my interactions with Jake. The Totem continues to act as a constant physical reminder not to star in the narcissists stage show, to remain calm and deny them your reaction to their abusive behaviour. In meditation, the breath anchors you to the moment and during narcissistic live interactions the Totem does the same, allowing you the space to practice ‘GreyRocKiN’. During individual or group meetings the Totem would be in my pocket or hand and it would be visible on my workstation should an unplanned interaction with Jake occur. My hope is that this physical Totem helps you as it has me in whatever situation you find yourself in through anchoring you to the practice of ‘GreyRocKiN’ in the moments that you need it most.

So what happened to Jake? Over time our interactions diminished to a level manageable to me and the conflict and drama significantly reduced. Ultimately, Jake got bored of me and focussed on his other direct reports and people in his life to feed his addiction. The conflict reduced because I also accepted I could never change Jakes view or position so I just nodded my head politely and did as I was asked and remained dull and unexciting to him. NOTE: As a warning, I nearly took it too far in the first year and distanced myself to such a point that it nearly cost me my job however since then I managed to strike a balance of communicating with Jake only when asked or when the job required.

For the record, I knew that I could leave my job, remove Jake from my life entirely and solve the problem, however, the benefits of the job (local to my children), my new understanding of narcissistic behaviour and employing the tool of ‘GreyRocKiN’
led me to stay. I understood the narcissists drive, my choice to engage without emotion and to set the boundaries that were necessary to protect my own mental health and well-being.

Pandemic Influence
They say time is a healer and this worked for me, the pandemic created more distance between Jake & I which minimised contact further and at around one year into the pandemic my boss left the business and is no longer a negative influence in my life! A huge load was lifted from my shoulders and my scars have since healed.

You have the choice to stick or twist in your situation. If you can’t find a strategy that works for you as I did then you must seriously consider changing your predicament and remove the toxic person from your life. You deserve better, we all do!

It is abundantly clear to me that there are different levels of narcissistic abuse and through my experience and research I am sure that whatever your situation, however bad, that by ‘GreyRocKiN’
you can make a positive change to your situation. This belief has given birth to this GRKN Blog where I wanted to share my experience and give others the knowledge, tools and strength to find the light again.


“100% Guaranteed to Help You Disempower the Narcissist or Your Money Back, No Questions Asked”

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